"Are you suffering from that painful, rectal itch?"

That was an actual line from a Preparation H commercial some years ago. I have a new definition of rectal itch. It will wake you from a dead sleep, and you jerk the covers off and get to the bathtub as fast as you can. The doctor prescribes water as hot as you can stand, which lights the itch into afterburner. It seems to me that when you have swelling, you should have cold on it, but what do I know.
So, I have this little step stool I perch an elbow on, put my feet on the sides of the tub (one side is almost non-existent, however) hold my nutsack up and feel the painful rectal itch go into overdrive as the hot water rises. After 15 or so minutes of this, the itch subsides, and you use your foot to hit the drain.
If you accidently slip with the nutsack, the commotion is similar to a quarterback fumbling the ball on the snap. It's all assholes and elbows and sounds like you are trying to land that 400 pound tuna into your little boat and there is a shark feeding frenzy going on.
This itch can be worse than the pain, and the demerol does nothing for it.
My new daily routine:
Bath, try to get really dry as I'm afraid I'll get athlete's foot, jock itch and the equivalent of diaper rash. Don't sit too much as it'll get the itch going sooner. about 2 hours later repeat the process. Day and night. Sometimes I just want to run a curling iron up my crack. I've been thinking about trying to find a drug dealer for some coke suppository. Somehow I don't think my prescription plan is going to cover that one. I'd go to the witch doctor if I thought it would help.
I hope you all are having a better time than me.
Dr. appt. tomorrow. For once I can hardly wait.