Getting healthy

Since I can't come up with something clever, I thought this post might be appropriate. It was sent as a forwarded email, so I can't give credit to who wrote it.

Answer Doctor

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.



Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!



Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

I'm back at work

I have been negligent in blogging, but it is increasingly difficult to be funny. I now know why comedians end up having to go through rehab....
When I was on the pain killers, my imagination was going crazy, and it was pretty easy to formulate a funny story out of reality.

Needless to say, I'm back at work, and I could be retired in a minute if I could afford it. I'm on my mission to finish my plane in the next few months, and I spend several hours a day on it when I get home.

When I had all the trouble with the "after surgery recuperation", the rash was some of the worst times. I'd get in the shower and turn the water on full hot with the shower massager and try to burn the itch away. There was one spot halfway between the top of my crack and where my belt rides that as soon as I would hit it, it would make me pee. It didn't matter if I had to go or not, I'd go even if it was just a little bit.
WHERE WAS THIS WHEN I HAD TO HAVE THE CATHETERS??!?!?!?!!!????

I just thought it was funny, and didn't give it much thought until one night in my sleep I must have scratched that same spot. OMG!!! Scratching it has the same effect. Fortunately I didn't wet the bed, but I did have to change my underwear (yes I took a bath first). Mental note: Don't even touch back there!

I'm glad that's all over, but sometimes I still get itchy. I hope that all goes away forever soon.

I guess my next update will be on the plane. It's getting exciting!