"Are you suffering from that painful, rectal itch?"

That was an actual line from a Preparation H commercial some years ago. I have a new definition of rectal itch. It will wake you from a dead sleep, and you jerk the covers off and get to the bathtub as fast as you can. The doctor prescribes water as hot as you can stand, which lights the itch into afterburner. It seems to me that when you have swelling, you should have cold on it, but what do I know.
So, I have this little step stool I perch an elbow on, put my feet on the sides of the tub (one side is almost non-existent, however) hold my nutsack up and feel the painful rectal itch go into overdrive as the hot water rises. After 15 or so minutes of this, the itch subsides, and you use your foot to hit the drain.
If you accidently slip with the nutsack, the commotion is similar to a quarterback fumbling the ball on the snap. It's all assholes and elbows and sounds like you are trying to land that 400 pound tuna into your little boat and there is a shark feeding frenzy going on.
This itch can be worse than the pain, and the demerol does nothing for it.
My new daily routine:
Bath, try to get really dry as I'm afraid I'll get athlete's foot, jock itch and the equivalent of diaper rash. Don't sit too much as it'll get the itch going sooner. about 2 hours later repeat the process. Day and night. Sometimes I just want to run a curling iron up my crack. I've been thinking about trying to find a drug dealer for some coke suppository. Somehow I don't think my prescription plan is going to cover that one. I'd go to the witch doctor if I thought it would help.
I hope you all are having a better time than me.
Dr. appt. tomorrow. For once I can hardly wait.

Piss Bag Hell

I'm alive 1 week after surgery. That's the good part (subject to change).

I was more than a little apprehensive about this whole thing to begin with. I go in for surgery and wake up an hour and a half later in the most incredible pain imaginable. They ask you how much pain you have rated 1-10. With 10 being you feel like you'll pass out. I'm no stranger to pain, but this was the most intense pain...I think most of the other times I was in shock, which helps.
Being a fan of the movie, "This is Spinal Tap" , I say 11, but you'd think the tears running from my eyes might be a little hint.

Big shot of morphine...20 minutes later, no change in pain. Another big shot of morphine and still no change. The Dr.s and nurses are looking at me and can't believe I'm not floating. Now a big shot of Dilaudid. Finally the tears stop.

If a doctor says we have to operate near your tailbone, rectum, colon, or anything like it down there, say thanks, but no thanks. Goto the nearest costume store and rent a dog costume. Put it on and see if you can find a vet that will put you to sleep. That is the only humane way to do this.

I don't know what they are called, but they go on the hand mixers to mix cake batter etc. Those metal 4 bladed twirly things. They have a small version of one of those and that's how they do the surgery...just run it up until they get what they want.

After I get home, I have to sit in a hot tub of water. That works out pretty well as the demerol is wearing off, but the hot water makes it not so bad waiting for another dose.

I'm home, and can't pee. I try everything cold water hot water straining until my whole insides were going to fall out my ass and NOTHING! Not even one dribble.
I go to the ER and get a catheter. Normally I don't mind pretty nurses fondling my crotch, but I was in pretty bad shape Since none of them wrote their phone number on my hand, I guess they weren't very impressed. Mild depression starts in after that little episode.

2 days go by. Awake for an hour asleep for 3. Everything is going to schedule, except for the catheter thing, until I forget to close the drain valve. Get out to the garage and drag the shop vac in to try and get all of it out of the carpet. Finally get it all cleaned up, like I really needed to do all that. 'Bout 15 minutes later a buddy comes by to check on me, feed the cats and dog . PERFECT! Why couldn't he have been here in time to at least bring me the shop vac. He did get me more water and carpet cleaner and put the vac away for me.

Day 3. I have become an enemagician. There ain't no way in hell your body will let you take a dump. The put sponges, tools, rivets, scotch tape, and a large briar in there, and no stool softener in the world will touch that. Doc says fill the bag up with warm tap water, then fill you up and wait 30 minutes. 30MINUTES?!?! I couldn't wait 30 seconds. Every thing came out but the briar. Back in the tub to get over the trauma.

Day 4. The Briar has got to go, but after some more enemagic I find out it's not really a briar, but a large orange traffic cone, and it's coming out square end first.

Day 5 I get the catheter out! YAY! I'm not tethered anymore! 10 hrs later I'm back in the ER for another catheter.

Now I have a low grade infection, and feel I have to pee all the time, but it's a direct line out. Doc says that'll go away soon. Not soon enough.

A normal adult bladder holds about 750ml before it'd pretty painful. They got 1930ml out of me. You know there is something up when the nurses tell their cohorts to come by and see this. It was about 2 shot glasses short of a 2 liter bottle.

Catheter comes out this Thursday. The Doc wants ME TO DO IT!!! I have to do it early so if there is a problem, I can get there withour another trip to the ER..... I just might have to find that dog costume.

This is probably way too much info, but I'm thinking about doing this every vacation.

Well, gotta go deal with another traffic cone.

UPDATE: The traffic cone is about the size of a candy corn.... I don't know what they did down there, but from now on I'm on a smoothie diet.

TIP: Hamburger smoothies just don't cut it.